January 6, 2004 MAD COWS, AND HOW

Irony of Ironies, Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis is back, sliding down a finger pointed squarely at Canadian Beef by the USA.  First came the uncomfortable mumbling when the Washington Dairy Cow proved to be mad.  Then came the [predictable] finger-pointing, and lo and behold, that cow was Canadian.  We watch aghast as the US Agriculture Department put its accusing digit on a map of Alberta...after all, that's where the other cow came from, right?  Amazingly, THAT cow came from stateside!  The creeping cancer of American geographical illiteracy...

Bottom line:  the gate closes like a steel trap.  No more beef into the States.  Now hold on here.  Isn't it a known fact that BSE is only transmitted if infected neural tissue is consumed, either by the animal so afflicted or by human consumption of the same material?  Isn't it also true that animal byproduct has been banned from feed for quite some time now?  So what is all the kafuffle about, then?  If the infected cow was older than the ban, killing it (and others the same age) would break the chain, would it not?

Or, is something not being revealed here?  Perhaps we haven't enforced the ban as stringently as we should have, and now we (I say "we" because there are no borders as far as animals are concerned) resort to gate-closing as a means of deflecting attention from it.  Ralph Klein was right: Shoot, Shovel and Shut up.

George Dubya now has an election issue, and I can't wait for the first photo op when he is called upon to pronounce "Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis".  He already has a bad case of dyspolysyllaby, if I may coin a term.  He admits to flunking English.  To close the gate is a simpleton's scapegoat, one which decisively tells someone (not sure who) that Dubya is taking action.  Cows, as weapons of mass destruction.  Last month, So Damn Insane....this month, It's Saddam Cow.

This in the face of North America's plummet into high cholesterol and obesity...k.d. lang must be chuckling heartily.

Bottom line:  Slaughter and destroy all cows older than the ban.  Admit to the fact that enforcement was lax, probably on both sides of the border...and be done with it.  Maybe instead, ban Feedlots, which destroy groundwater.  Take a close look at rendering plants.  It's more dangerous to drive, still.  We don't seem too interested in curing that ill.

January 9, 2004 Adrienne Clarkson's $91,000 Carpet.

OK, OK, OK, so the carpet at Rideau Hall is stained and threadbare.  And, the replacement is slightly controversial.   But here we go again.  Does this replacement need to be so posh?  Again, the Pauliticians (new convenient term here) have deemed it representative of "Canadian Pride".  Let's get the new Department of Civil Preparedness to investigate.  Bottom line, this rug is approximately 4 times the national average per square meter.  I have a trip-proof carpet in my house, too!  But my pride is hurt, because it was only twenty dollars a square meter!  And, I'm already prepared to be civil!

Seriously, how can we be confident in the custodians of our tax dollars?  Can we really afford to remodel the seat of impotence, when so much else is lacking?

January 17 2004 The Abbotsford 9-1-1 Embarrassment

This past weekend a distraught homeowner phoned Abbotsford BC 9-1-1 emergency about a naked man having just climbed into her bed.  On the recording of the 9-1-1 call the frightened woman can clearly be heard pleading her case...while the operator, with little effort to disguise her skepticism, tells the the woman that she sounds awfully calm for that situation.  Read: "I think you're lying, so I'm not going to help."   Now just wait a minute!

Since when do we place a Judge, Jury and Executioner on the 9-1-1 switchboard?  The vocal tone of the operator was unmistakably disdainful to my ears.  Not very reassuring should I get in a fracas in Abbotsford.  Someone had better remind that operator that reassurance is what we are seeking when we phone emergency numbers.  Ironically the spouse of the frightened woman is a policeman, who ultimately subdued the intruder when he arrived home.

It would seem to me that this operator should find work as a pizza switchboard operator.  There she can indulge her need to ask for details, although she might work herself out of a job. 

"I don't think you need a pizza, you don't sound very hungry."

February 10 2004 Revelations about Liberal Money Laundering

Watching Lloyd Robertson interview Craig Oliver on CTV News, Craig Oliver muses over the Liberal Party "losing it's reputation" over the "revelation" about misspent tax dollars.  I have a question: What reputation?  And what Revelation?  What about the "other stuff", like the Human Resources Department, and the Gun Registry, to mention a couple?  Revelation?  Craig Oliver, you should be euthanized. Your pathetically sycophantic view of Ottawa makes you unfit to "report".  The Federal Liberals are an old boys club to beat all such clubs, feeding each other with OUR money, awarding pay raises, not paying taxes, and perpetrating a sham that is generations old, beginning with the man we loved to hate, Pierre Trudeau, who put a Centennial Arena in every out-of-the way backwater in this fractious land...when we could least afford it.

March 11 2004 Vancouver Canuck's Bertouzzi Shows Remorse.

Give up, Mr. Bertouzzi, you are a thug, a boor, and you've been suspended.  Thank you for the NHL's decision to keep your ilk off the ice for the rest of the season.  Hockey violence is the embarrassment of our national sport, and it is high time we did something about it.  Violence is used to compensate for lack of skill; when a player is talented, he is also targeted.  So, Bertouzzi, save your crocodile tears: your income is affected, not your sense of honor.  This whole violence thing is a load of crap.  The police should charge you with common, and cowardly, assault.  Enjoy your bench time.

MARCH 19 2004    Ottawa Senators Ban Maple Leafs Jerseys at home games...

OK, so now I'm convinced that Canada is determined to besmirch our national sport to newer depths of the ridiculous.  The Ottawa Senators are confused (no news, of course)...no, wait!  These are the HOCKEY Senators.  They have Banned the wearing of Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys at home games in the Corel Centre.  Notice they haven't attacked Corel for being non-Canadian....something one might expect in Ortterwar. 

Typical Canadians, politically illiterate, administratively-challenged, and determined to legislate, by whatever means.  Now they are telling hockey fans how to behave, while continuing to allow the players to beat themselves senseless.  Da-Don Dah-Cherry will have an intellectual field-day with this, providing that the Broadcorping Castration doesn't muzzle him too.  They should, but that's another matter, and I also assume that Da-Don is intellectual..  The fact that this story is newsworthy is troublesome...maybe we need to legislate underprivileged news into the limelight.